Are You A Yeller? How And Why To Stop Yelling At The Kids

Are you a yeller?  I hate to admit it, but I’m a yeller. Not all the time, but enough that it bothers me. Many of us are “yellers” whether we’re younger or older parents. As far as raising grandchildren maybe we tend to lose patience more easily as we get older?  

I know for sure I had more patience and yelled at the kids a lot less when I was younger. Now I struggle with having patience and not yelling.  Does this sound like you?

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Well, I decided I didn’t WANT to be a “yeller” anymore.  If you are raising your granchild(ren), or any child for that matter, and tend to yell then you really need to find ways to stop. Yelling causes everyone, adults and children, a lot of unnecessary pain and hurt.

No one feels good while they are yelling or when they’re being yelled at. Yelling is harmful to children, it scares them!

Think about it. Wouldn’t you find it scary if someone so much bigger than you was screaming at you?  Definitely scary stuff to a child.

I know that I certainly don’t like being yelled at, so if I don’t like being treated that way then what gives me the right to treat my child that way?  

You’re the adult and you are responsible for managing your emotions, and it’s up to you to teach your child how to manage theirs.

Kids learn what they know from US. If you’re constantly screaming at them they’ll learn to scream at you.  If you show them empathy,they’ll learn empathy. And so on….

Why do we yell? 

Well, maybe you’ve had a bad day and everything is just getting to you?  For me, if I’m under a lot of pressure and feeling stressed I tend to yell more.  Or maybe your child isn’t being a good listener at the moment or doing as they’re told? And the list goes on and on…

Maybe we should stop to consider that children also can have a “bad day” just like us, or something could be bothering them, or they could just be testing the limits as children tend to do?

I know that when I end up yelling it’s not something that I’m doing to deliberately hurt my grandchild, it’s a reaction I’m having.  

Of course you don’t want to walk around feeling angry and yelling, so it’s not something you do on purpose, it just kind of happens. Maybe it even becomes a bit of a habit?

Whatever our reasons might be, screaming just isn’t a healthy way to handle things. Children have feelings too and we need to show them that we respect their feelings.

How is yelling harmful to children?

As I mentioned above, children become afraid when you’re yelling and screaming at them.  If you yell often enough they’re likely stop listening to you until you start yelling. It’s sad that they’ve come to expect that behavior from you and being yelled at it what they’re used to.

Your child is also more likely to back away from you emotionally and develop a defiant attitude as they get older.

Another problem that can develop is that your child might more easily cave into peer pressure. None of us wants that to happen!

Do YOU feel secure and valued if you’re screamed at a lot by someone you love?

As parents or grandparents raising children we need to be more aware of the effects of yelling at our kids. It’s up to us to provide a stable, loving environment where our child isn’t afraid to come to us and feels loved for him or herself.

So how do we break the “yelling” cycle? Here are some ideas that work..

Give yourself an “Adult” time-out!  This actually works wonders! Just remove yourself and go into another room, sit down, take some deep breaths.  Scream into a pillow, cry, whatever it takes! 

When you feel you’re ready to deal with the situation without yelling then you can come out and have a conversation with your child or grandchild, without “losing it”.  

If a child is very young then you could put him/her in the crib or ask another adult (if possible) if they could just sit with the child for a short period of time until you’re calm.

I just practiced this one tonight.  My grandson gets so overly excited and a little on the wild side when he has a friend sleeping over.

It seems that anything I’m saying to him is being totally ignored. If I’m telling him not to do something you can bet that the next minute he’s doing what I said not to do.

So….I went to my bedroom for an “adult” time-out.  It was only a very short time out, but it worked! When I came back from my time-out I talked with my grandson calmly and things were fine after that.

If you are in the middle of yelling  just STOP, take a deep breath and remove yourself until you are calmer. (See “Adult” time-out above!).

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Understand your child/grandchild.  If children feel understood it is easier for them to learn to manage their emotions, and their behavior.

So how about asking them what they’re thinking or why they think they might be behaving a certain way?

Maybe it’s just been a bad day or they’re feeling like they need more attention, or a friend hurt their feelings, etc.

We need to set an example for them.  We need to acknowledge their feelings, and show understanding. If you’re concentrating on communicating with your child you’ll be surprised at how quickly the urge to yell passes.

Listening goes a long way. Listening helps you to understand what’s really going on with your child. This is one of the best things you can do instead of yelling. You’ll never know what’s going on with your child if you don’t take the time and dig deeper to find out.  

Your child could be needing more of your attention, or could be really sorry for accidentally breaking something or for whatever reason you were yelling about.

You won’t know unless you listen!

Admit you are wrong. If you do lose your temper and scream and yell make it a point to apologize to your child or grandchild. Tell him/her that you shouldn’t have screamed and that you’re very sorry. 

Let your child know that you’re working on stopping this behavior.  Saying “I’m sorry” shows a child that you are willing to admit when you are wrong and and also that you really mean what you say about taking steps to change.  

This is a very important life lesson for them! 

This DOESN’T mean that children should “get away” with bad behavior.  You still need to follow through with consequences for their actions if the situation warrants it.

The point is you can do this in a calmer way.

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Also, don’t expect to just totally stop yelling instantly.  The whole process will be very hard and challenging!

You WILL mess up a lot, but as long as you keep trying it WILL get easier and easier.

You’ll  start seeing a huge difference in your child and you’ll both be so much happier!  So don’t be too hard on yourself if you catch yourself yelling sometimes, just say “I’m sorry I yelled”, and keep trying to stop!

I want to set a good example for my grandson, and I’m sure you all want to do the same for your children!

Do you have any tips for us on how to stop yelling so much?  If you do please share them with us!

Lori

 

 

 

 

 

    29 Comments to Are You A Yeller? How And Why To Stop Yelling At The Kids

    1. Beverley says:

      You’re right Lori – Yelling is not an effective form of communication and it can really undermine the confidence and self esteem of a child.

      • Lori says:

        Thank you for your input Beverley! Confidence and self-esteem is VERY important for all children and we all need to remember that! Lori

    2. Hi
      Your site looks very nice and so professional. I am glad you finished it. I am your friend in WA
      Don’t forget to go to look at my site too. Happy

    3. Guy says:

      Yelling at kids is always a sign of weakness. When you’re yelling you loose certainly a part of your authority ( and for sure a part of love). Good post, hope you find a lot of readers reading and following your advices.

    4. I think you used the long tailed keyword very effectively. As far as I know, the idea is to use your keyword in the title, and in the first paragraph.

    5. Katie says:

      I am glad I am not a yeller and hope that I do not become one either, you are very right yelling can have such an negative impact of children and cause problems with your relationship, I feel it is always better to walk away and deal with it when I am not angry

      • Lori says:

        Hi Kate,

        That’s great that you aren’t a yeller! So many wish they could be like you. I agree that walking away until you are calm works best too. Thanks for your input!

        Lori

    6. hantaah says:

      Your so right and we really need to be reminded of the points you pick up on in this post.

      Many thanks

    7. tanopenn says:

      You did a fantastic job on your site. This could not be said in a better way.

    8. Berny says:

      Yelling does nothing other than want to make a child yell back: you are so right. I work with a lady who came to work the other day and said she was told by daycare that her child smacked another child; she got home and afterwards she said if you smack other children I’ll smack you, then she looked at herself and the situation and said “well that didn’t make much sense did it” and, no it didn’t, she’d displayed the exact behaviour she didn’t want her child to display!? Best part is she realised this! Good on you Cara! You’ll make a great Mum – always learning… Your children learn from you and others too.

      • Lori says:

        Hi Berny,

        Oh my, I am so happy she caught herself! We all make the same mistake, but catching yourself and stopping the behavior is something we all should do!
        Thanks for the comment and the great example.

        Lori

    9. Faith says:

      Interesting Lori. I dont have grandkids yet, maybe I need to start by training myself to stop yelling at my daughter’s little dog.

      • Lori says:

        Hi Faith,

        Yes, definitely train yourself to stop yelling at your daughter’s little dog! That would be great practice for grandchildren and would probably make the little dog happier too!

        Lori

    10. Patrick says:

      Lori,
      This is a great post. I’ve seen too many parents and grandparents get in the habit of yelling or just being overly critical with young, impressionable children. Though they love the child, they don’t realize the emotional damage they may be doing. I especially like your advice on taking an “adult time-out” and then apologizing to the child. We, as adults, need to try to deal with children on their level and to praise, encourage and train them.
      Thanks again for this excellent post.
      -Patrick

      • Lori says:

        Hi Patrick,
        You’re right, most people don’t seem to realize. It’s so easy to fall into a pattern of yelling and criticizing especially in today’s world where there seems to be a lot of stress and rushing. Hopefully parents and grandparents will start to realize that kids come first and are to be loved and encouraged. Thanks for your comment.
        Lori

    11. bone says:

      Hi Lore,
      What a great site! I am soon to be a Grandma and do not want to be yelling at my grandchild. I found your site to be extremely helpful and offering practical, every day tips that we can ALL utilize. Keep up the good work. (I’m going to try using some of these the next time I catch myself yelling at the cat! 😮

      • Lori says:

        Hello,

        I am happy that the tips will be helpful to you, and I’m sure your cat will also be happy! Congratulations on soon becoming a Grandma!

        Lori

    12. Evelyn says:

      Hi Lori, I do yell, but not all the time. You gave some great advice here and I’m going to apply them to my life. The last thing I want to do is hurt child emotionally and not realize it. Thanks!

      • Lori says:

        Hi Evelyn,

        I’m so happy that my tips helped you, all it takes is changing what has become a habit. I know I feel much better when I don’t yell, and it’s amazing how much calmer life becomes.

        Wishing you the best,

        Lori

      • Lori says:

        Hi Evelyn,

        I’m the same way, and I definitely have to follow the tips and remind myself often. I don’t want to hurt a child unintentionally either. I’m sure the tips work for you too!

        Lori

    13. Kelly says:

      I needed this today as it has been “one of those days” and unfortunately, my kids have gotten the brunt of it. I am 7 months pregnant in the middle of summer, and not sleeping well so when my kids are fighting or not sharing it makes me crazy. Thanks for reminding me its ok to take a time out even as an adult!

      • Lori says:

        Hi Kelly,

        I’m so sorry you’re having “one of those days”. I had my daughter in the month of August, so I understand how you feel! I’m happy that my post reminded you to take an adult time out, we all need that at times! I hope the rest of your day was a good one! Lori

    14. I loved your article. I call it the “screaming mimi” LOL. Matter of fact, I just blogged about this very thing. I am adopting my 2 grandsons and both have ADHD! Behavior modification is for the whole family, not just the kids.

      • Lori says:

        Hi Alesia,

        Thank you! I also loved your “screaming mimi” post (and I LOVE your name for it!). If you don’t mind I’d love to put a link to your blog on my site. Best wishes to you!

        Lori

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