Are You A Yeller? How And Why To Stop Yelling At The Kids
Are you a yeller? I hate to admit it, but I’m a yeller. Not all the time, but enough that it bothers me. Many of us are “yellers” whether we’re younger or older parents. As far as raising grandchildren maybe we tend to lose patience more easily as we get older?
I know for sure I had more patience and yelled at the kids a lot less when I was younger. Now I struggle with having patience and not yelling. Does this sound like you?
Well, I decided I didn’t WANT to be a “yeller” anymore. If you are raising your granchild(ren), or any child for that matter, and tend to yell then you really need to find ways to stop. Yelling causes everyone, adults and children, a lot of unnecessary pain and hurt.
No one feels good while they are yelling or when they’re being yelled at. Yelling is harmful to children, it scares them!
Think about it. Wouldn’t you find it scary if someone so much bigger than you was screaming at you? Definitely scary stuff to a child.
I know that I certainly don’t like being yelled at, so if I don’t like being treated that way then what gives me the right to treat my child that way?
You’re the adult and you are responsible for managing your emotions, and it’s up to you to teach your child how to manage theirs.
Kids learn what they know from US. If you’re constantly screaming at them they’ll learn to scream at you. If you show them empathy,they’ll learn empathy. And so on….
Why do we yell?
Well, maybe you’ve had a bad day and everything is just getting to you? For me, if I’m under a lot of pressure and feeling stressed I tend to yell more. Or maybe your child isn’t being a good listener at the moment or doing as they’re told? And the list goes on and on…
Maybe we should stop to consider that children also can have a “bad day” just like us, or something could be bothering them, or they could just be testing the limits as children tend to do?
I know that when I end up yelling it’s not something that I’m doing to deliberately hurt my grandchild, it’s a reaction I’m having.
Of course you don’t want to walk around feeling angry and yelling, so it’s not something you do on purpose, it just kind of happens. Maybe it even becomes a bit of a habit?
Whatever our reasons might be, screaming just isn’t a healthy way to handle things. Children have feelings too and we need to show them that we respect their feelings.
How is yelling harmful to children?
As I mentioned above, children become afraid when you’re yelling and screaming at them. If you yell often enough they’re likely stop listening to you until you start yelling. It’s sad that they’ve come to expect that behavior from you and being yelled at it what they’re used to.
Your child is also more likely to back away from you emotionally and develop a defiant attitude as they get older.
Another problem that can develop is that your child might more easily cave into peer pressure. None of us wants that to happen!
Do YOU feel secure and valued if you’re screamed at a lot by someone you love?
As parents or grandparents raising children we need to be more aware of the effects of yelling at our kids. It’s up to us to provide a stable, loving environment where our child isn’t afraid to come to us and feels loved for him or herself.
So how do we break the “yelling” cycle? Here are some ideas that work..
Give yourself an “Adult” time-out! This actually works wonders! Just remove yourself and go into another room, sit down, take some deep breaths. Scream into a pillow, cry, whatever it takes!
When you feel you’re ready to deal with the situation without yelling then you can come out and have a conversation with your child or grandchild, without “losing it”.
If a child is very young then you could put him/her in the crib or ask another adult (if possible) if they could just sit with the child for a short period of time until you’re calm.
I just practiced this one tonight. My grandson gets so overly excited and a little on the wild side when he has a friend sleeping over.
It seems that anything I’m saying to him is being totally ignored. If I’m telling him not to do something you can bet that the next minute he’s doing what I said not to do.
So….I went to my bedroom for an “adult” time-out. It was only a very short time out, but it worked! When I came back from my time-out I talked with my grandson calmly and things were fine after that.
If you are in the middle of yelling just STOP, take a deep breath and remove yourself until you are calmer. (See “Adult” time-out above!).
Understand your child/grandchild. If children feel understood it is easier for them to learn to manage their emotions, and their behavior.
So how about asking them what they’re thinking or why they think they might be behaving a certain way?
Maybe it’s just been a bad day or they’re feeling like they need more attention, or a friend hurt their feelings, etc.
We need to set an example for them. We need to acknowledge their feelings, and show understanding. If you’re concentrating on communicating with your child you’ll be surprised at how quickly the urge to yell passes.
Listening goes a long way. Listening helps you to understand what’s really going on with your child. This is one of the best things you can do instead of yelling. You’ll never know what’s going on with your child if you don’t take the time and dig deeper to find out.
Your child could be needing more of your attention, or could be really sorry for accidentally breaking something or for whatever reason you were yelling about.
You won’t know unless you listen!
Admit you are wrong. If you do lose your temper and scream and yell make it a point to apologize to your child or grandchild. Tell him/her that you shouldn’t have screamed and that you’re very sorry.
Let your child know that you’re working on stopping this behavior. Saying “I’m sorry” shows a child that you are willing to admit when you are wrong and and also that you really mean what you say about taking steps to change.
This is a very important life lesson for them!
This DOESN’T mean that children should “get away” with bad behavior. You still need to follow through with consequences for their actions if the situation warrants it.
The point is you can do this in a calmer way.
Also, don’t expect to just totally stop yelling instantly. The whole process will be very hard and challenging!
You WILL mess up a lot, but as long as you keep trying it WILL get easier and easier.
You’ll start seeing a huge difference in your child and you’ll both be so much happier! So don’t be too hard on yourself if you catch yourself yelling sometimes, just say “I’m sorry I yelled”, and keep trying to stop!
I want to set a good example for my grandson, and I’m sure you all want to do the same for your children!
Do you have any tips for us on how to stop yelling so much? If you do please share them with us!